The Sex Talk

My extended family is pretty small, but what we lack in numbers we make up in stereotypes. At one Thanksgiving I remember looking around the table and counting: one teenage mother, her mixed-race baby, two lesbians, one born-again Christian, one black man, one terminal degenerative disease, two alcoholics, one drug addict, an IT guy who's so introverted he's practically a blank hole, and one compulsive liar who was counting each bite of dinner to make sure she knew what to throw up later down to the last green bean (guess who!).

The upside of having family like this is that I can start pretty much any bigoted bad-taste joke with, "Don't worry, my [relative] is [black/gay/drunk/religious/sick], so I can say this..." The downside is constantly being asked if I'm adopted. And Hallmark never has cards appropriate for our holidays. And, as a clan, we make strangers instantly uncomfortable. Oh, fuck it, everything other than the joke thing sucks.

I wasn't always so aware that our family is completely effed up. We grew up in a more innocent (dumber) time. After spending a summer on the beaches of Long Island, one of my little brothers once contemplated his tan and asked if he was turning into a black kid. Needless to say, we were kept in the dark about most things having to do with humanity.

Until I was 10, I thought that my grandmother had a lonely female roommate. I got a little suspicious that something was up when my best friend said, "Amanda, they're not roommates, they're lovers." My suspicions deepened when my grandmother and her roommate flew to Denmark later that year to get married.

Look, acceptance is not a part of this. My grandmother's wife met me when I was one week old, and has been in my life ever since. Because I don't read my grandmother's blog and I assume she doesn't read mine, I'm just going to put it out there: I actually like the wife better. Hanging out with her is like talking to the essence of IKEA. It's all about Scandinavian utility and easy comfort. Nothing too fancy, just exactly what you need.

My biological grandmother, on the other hand, is just like the rest of my family: so highly strung that she's almost paralyzed, so prone to random interchanges of brilliance and retardation that she's practically autistic. Oh yeah, and she has this annoying habit of saying what's on her mind all the time. Not just about the "me" things, which I have learned to do. But even about the "you should" things, that don't make friends on any continent.

My grandmother's favorite thing to tell me is that I'm a lesbian.

Don't get me wrong, being a lesbian is totally awesome - if you are one. The problem is that I like boys. A lot. I like them as friends, I like them as more than friends. I've never been one of those women who's all, "If we could only do away with those stupid cheating smelly pigs we would all be happier!" Because seriously? I wouldn't. A lot of women suck. If the sort of knock-down, drag-out, "you're such a fat fucking slut!" fights I've had with my female friends are any indication of what could happen if I ever tried to date one of them, I'll pass. Also? Vaginas are so disgusting.

My grandmother does not think that any of these arguments hold any water. When I got engaged to a guy in the military, she rolled her eyes and sighed, "Could you have picked a more classically manly man? What an obvious beard." When I wear tomboyish clothes she asks, "Do you feel like you want to project a more masculine appearance? Do you feel more comfortable dressed as a boy?" When I wear feminine clothing she switches sides - "You look girly. Trying to prove something today?"

I swear, it's like I'm living in a bizarro version of the 1950s. Instead of being some sparkly little boy who aches to dance ballet but is forced by his dad to play football and rape cheerleaders, I'm a feminine girl told repeatedly that I'm a secret undercover dyke. That it wouldn't kill me to just be honest with myself and make the grandmothers happy before they die.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think that sexuality is the sort of thing that can be bullied into someone.

I talked to my mom about this and she said they tried it on her, too. Apparently turning every cute guy with good taste in art or fashion into a metro(bi-)sexual wasn't enough for the gay rights people. Now they're launching personal campaigns. The battlefields are family dinners. The weapons are every story of your life ever. "Remember that time you wanted to be a Smurf for Halloween but you didn't choose the one female one? Mmmhmm..."

My grandmother published a whole bunch of "radical" autobiographies decades ago about the feminist/lesbian revolution. I refuse to read these books because 1) I don't like her, and 2) Ew. Who wants to think about their grandmother having sex, much less clam-sex? She thinks that being a published author on this subject makes her the expert. All I know is that having hung out with (and despised) Ginsberg doesn't necessarily mean she can see into my soul.

Listen, don't think it hasn't crossed my mind. I know when a girl is pretty. I've kissed a couple of them and thought afterwards, "Okay, this may mean something." But then I got scared. Not for the normal reasons, like I'd never meet a woman (I know plenty of totally date-able lesbians), like I'm going to get clubbed the next time I leave the house (I live in New York), like my family would freak out (they'd probably throw a party), etc. I was scared because I thought that if I suddenly realized that I was a lesbian I would really miss being with men. I think if your soul-searching brings you to that point, you can be comfortable in your sexuality.

Even if now the Thanksgiving table includes one mixed-race baby born to a teenage mother, two lesbians on the recruitment trail, one lapsed Christian, one terminal degenerative disease, two recovering alcoholics, an IT guy who's so introverted it's almost not right to count him...and one raging heterosexual.

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Edit: this is why my RSS subscribers fucking hate me. But I had this conversation just now and it was too perfect not to add:

Comments

[Mist 1]

I think we may be related. Say hi to your folks.

[spring]

Lady, you are awesome. I love this post.

My family (including in-laws) is pretty much the opposite of yours. They're all white-bread conservative evangelicals. I'm the sole liberal Episcopalian. As if it's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT thing to believe the Bible is not to be read literally and to wonder if GWB perhaps was NOT hand-selected by God to lead the free world.

[littlewhiteliar]

Mist 1: I really hope we're not related. Not because I don't think you're awesome, but because I think we both know way too much about the habits of one another's vaginas at this point.

Spring: hah! Try this out: suggest that GWB was actually hand-selected by the Devil to tempt sinners into war and greed. (P.S. Sorry I totally comment-stalked your Flickr for a second there. Love ya!)

[Buffy]

Because you don't like her.... lol!

[littlewhiteliar]

Buffy: hey, I'm being honest. It's really hard to read about someone's sex life when you know them and you're sure that none of the stories is going to end in, "...and then I gave it up altogether, joined an extreme nunnery, and completely removed myself from modern society."

[Heather]

Thanks for stopping my blog. Yes the groom's friend is very hot but sadly taken and soon to be engaged. what makes him even hotter is how sweet and wonderful he is.

[Dan]

You need to sell your family into reality TV.

Man, I thought mine were bad. It turns out they're just Jewish.

[littlewhiteliar]

Heather - Geez, cut me open and then grind the lemon slice in! I'm sure he'll be very happy. But if he's not... ;)

Dan - Hey, this was all just my mom's side. I haven't even GOTTEN to the Jewish side yet. Can you sell people into reality tv like you sell them into slavery? I wonder what I'd get for the grandma. She's old but kind of famous. Hmm...

[PatyC]

I love your brain girl!

[littlewhiteliar]

PatyC - I'll totally sell it to you, if you give me a gerbil on an exercise wheel to replace it. One way to get rid of hypochondria!

[SoPretty]

I loved this post ...if something ever happend to my husband I am becoming a lesbian with a Sugar daddy on the side cause c'mon who doesn't like a good man f**k every once in awhile! lol, this would of course be after years of counseling cause I can't imagine being with another man - another women yes, but not another man! lol

[LylaLou]

Wow, you are amazing. LOVE this one.